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About Varied / Student Member JenFemale/United States Groups :icongivemehlove: GiveMehLove
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Deviant for 4 Years
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I'm such a weirdo when it comes to commissions.. Like... Artists are always saying their commissions are open and I hop on it... But.. like.. I don't know how to say what I want? How do you say something nicely without sounding demanding and/or needy or some shit like that? Like... HOW DO I TALK TO AN ARTIST?! ARRRRGGHHHHHHHH I FEEL SO WEIRD ABOUT IT. UGH
What's fucking hilarious to me, is that I'm one of those people who will get up in the dead of night to go to a friend's house to kill a bug for them - or find a way to get rid of it - that they found in their room, or go pick them up because they're too high and drunk to even form a coherent sentence. But when I'm lonely and in need of someone... I have no one I can go to... Sure, I hear the same words over and over again "You can come to me" "I've got your back" "You're welcome at my place anytime"...But they're just words spoken to fill in space. People don't mean it. I've come to realize this all too late. When I go to them, they find excuses as to why they can't lend thirty minutes of their time with me... Maybe what they're telling me is the truth? I don't know. But it happens so often, that they can't find time for me, that I just... don't know what to think anymore..

When I'm sad and depressed - which is almost all the time now - people see it as I'm mad and pissed, so they stay away, which is the opposite of what I want. And I don't know how to talk to someone, to say that I need help or that I'm lonely and I want their companionship. Mostly because I just can't get over the whole "I don't want to burden them with my problems" thing. I've always thought that. That... my just being here, existing, is a burden to someone. My life has never mattered and I completely understand that and I bow my head in resignation to that fact. I still don't know what I'm going to do about it, but knowing it is enough for now. I'll figure it out, some way, somehow, and someday. But, why is it that I can't seem to find a single person to have the level of.. I don't know. Why can't I find someone who will be as loyal as I can be and be patient with me? Who'll be my friend and their trust won't waver? Where can I find someone who can actually read me, and see that I'm hurting and I need a hug and a kiss to the head and the words 'It's going to be oka'?

It's just so damn funny. Because there are people out there with worse situations than me and all I can say is that.. I'm lonely...

I'm just all over the place, aren't I? hahahaha I need to get over myself!
I'm planning on adopting another fur baby... perhaps. haha This upcoming Sunday my sister, her boyfriend, and I are going to go to an animal shelter and look at their cats, age ranging between 1 and 2. I'd like to have another cat whose age is as close to Menma's as possible, that way they're at the same playing level, ya know? haha A kitten wouldn't do because it wouldn't get the attention it would need from me and an older cat would probably beat Menma in a pulp. The new family member MUST get along with Menma, else I'll have to find it a new home. Menma is my #1 priority and a new furbaby is all for him that way he has company whilst I'm not at the apartment with him. I know that it will mean change - and a lot of it - but I understand sacrifices must be made for him. Like the cuddling I've grown accustomed to in the mornings when I wake up. Menma absolutely LOVES to cuddle! It's something I never realized before~ He's so cute~~ But with a new family member, it will probably mean that the cuddling times will end... probably.. haha

One of my best friend's, Jenn, is getting married to Jose, a friend of mine I've known for ten or so years, this Saturday. I'm having her Bachelorette party at my apartment tomorrow, though... Truth be told, I'm regretting it. I don't think her other maids like me((did I mention I'm her maid of honor? No? Well... It's stressful, lemme tell you. haha)). I don't have the energy to let them into my home and have them bash me down verbally about how lacking my apartment is or whatever... Not to mention I haven't completely cleaned AND I haven't gone out to buy snacks!! Plus, what does one do at a Bparty?! Seriously, I've never been to one and I've been so busy with work and family issues that I haven't had time to ask around about it. I'm underage, so I can't buy booze, but that's hardly important; Jenn isn't much a drinker if at all, so that's completely moot. And I'm very low on the movie department - not to mention I don't have an actual TV. If they wanna do movies, we'd be limited to using my laptop... I feel completely out of my league. Lately, I've been wishing Jenn hadn't asked me to be her maid of honor, or whatever. I'm no "leader" as she's so blatantly put it now and again, and nor do I fully understand the responsibilities she's unknowingly given me. I mean, come on, what the hell does a maid of honor do ANYways?! hahaha I'm so frustrated with it.. And the wedding is in less than three days... I'm going to be the dumbass who messes up her wedding, I just know it..

Winter has officially sarted! :D It's so cold outside, my ears go numb every time I go out there. I need to pull out my coats!! I love winter! Uuurgh, the only problem is that Aspen, my roomie, wants to keep the heater on at night. She did it last night, and.. Gods, I woke up at 3 am sweating in bed. Have I ever mentioned that I would rather freeze to death rather than burn? I absolutely loathe the heat. Sure, when it's below 20 degrees -and yes, that's Fahrenheit ((shut it, you! That's freezing to me - you know who you are!! =3=!!)) - I moan and complain and wish for the summer again, but really.. I'd much prefer the cold. There's only so many layers you can take off in the heat before you've reached your skin and you sure as hell can tear that off, ne? haha

Anyways, holidays are coming up.. Means things are going to get hectic at work. My response? Bring it. I already had a customer yell at me not two days ago and make me cry. I think I can take the next one without getting frustrated again - at least not as much. I may or may not hit the next person to make me cry, though there are no guarantees. There are greater jobs out there if Randall's decides to fire me, though they can't afford to lose me now, not so close to holidays. I'm one of their faster cashiers - though that may only be because most of them now are merely a few weeks new if not newer to working. Kinda sucks, but it guarantees me hours up front if Rene, my manager, hasn't any hours to pass on to me. -shrugs- I understand why she wouldn't, so I'm good there.

Anyways, my family is good. I have food in the pantry/fridge, a coffee table and a couch, and Menma is as frisky as ever. Life is good at the moment. Now all I'm waiting for is the shoe to drop me a good one. haha Unfortunately, that's life and inevitable. -shrugs- Shit happens, after all.

Good night, y'all! Love ya lots! :)
I like the apartment, and I like how it's my own space... But I feel so alone there. My room mate is almost never there... Menma probably feels that loneliness 10 times over because I seem to always be working... Ugh.. I need a friend.. Or.. Something.. I dunno.. :(
I'm such a weirdo when it comes to commissions.. Like... Artists are always saying their commissions are open and I hop on it... But.. like.. I don't know how to say what I want? How do you say something nicely without sounding demanding and/or needy or some shit like that? Like... HOW DO I TALK TO AN ARTIST?! ARRRRGGHHHHHHHH I FEEL SO WEIRD ABOUT IT. UGH


Makona-Duke's Profile Picture
Artist | Student | Varied
United States
I'm a sideways kinda person! :]

Find me on Skype!! :D!! jen.duke4

I liiike, loooove, adooooore yaoi; writing it, reading it, but maybe not watching it - I feel embarrassed because, well...... The sex noises. omg the sex noises are so awkward and embarrassing. xD!!

I like to read and cook, and - - S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G. Good lord I love to shop. I've just recently been kicked out of my tomboy phase (though I still refuse to wear makeup) and I've been spending so much money on shoes and clothes and - soon - I'll be buying me some lolita dresses. *^*!! MWA HAHAHAHAHAH

I'm pretty open-minded and, hopefully, I'm easy to get along with. I'm lazy, I love to procrastinate, and a lot of time there's gotta be an incentive for me to do shit. (And I curse a lot, oops hehe X3)

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Juuria66 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Is that good? XD If not let me know and I'll do a regular style one with proper details and such...
Makona-Duke Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Student General Artist
That's perfect! :D

Is his bracelet a cross? Just checking to make sure. xDD

Thank you!
Juuria66 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes, he always wears a bracelet made of small wooden beads, and a little silver cross/crucifix whatever you wish to call it. xD
Makona-Duke Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Student General Artist
It sounded like you were going into story mode there for a moment! haha  Alrighty, thanks! :D
(1 Reply)
Suixere Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014
Thank you so much for the fave!! ;;7; :iconlovelyhugplz:
Makona-Duke Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Student General Artist
You're welcome ;D
RitaBP Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014   Traditional Artist
Thank you very much for the fav!)
Anixkas3795 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014
thanks for the fav~~
WhiteTincture Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
Thank you so much for the watch and favs! :heart:
Anixkas3795 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
thanks for the fav~~
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